It's a lose-lose. Their biggest goal is to help people and they often hope to make a real difference in the world around them. Internally, the experience feels like a switch in how we perceive and experience the person. It hurts like hell, but the older I get (mid 30s now), the less tolerance I have for those who judge, abandon, or guilt me. The “INFJ Door Slam” is a certain habit that nearly all INFJs have, where they will forgive someone who hurts them over and over… then, without warning, turn cold and remove the abuser from their life, seemingly without a second thought. Hello fellow INFJs! As a result, we tend to not back away immediately when people hurt us. In the past, I struggled terribly with communication and telling people how I really feel, partially because I don't want to see them hurt or upset, and also for a nefariously more selfish reason - I'm sensitive and don't want to experience the negativity involved when you have a real, open discussion with people (confrontation). I dont know your friend, but if rekindling the friendship makes you feel better then go for it. No, the INFJ slams the door and walks away. It’s also pretty final. Simply ignoring those events was mutually exclusive with my personal integrity and the standards I had set for how I trust people. I just feel horrible and want badly to mend things and tell people that I do care about them and love them. The INFJ door slam is when an INFJ cuts you out of their life permanently. There really is nothing worse than hurting someone they love and they will make that clear. The INFJ Door Slam involves deciding not to invest any more time or emotional energy into another person. When we do the Door Slam, that person doesn’t exist for us any longer. You may have heard of the notorious INFJ Door Slam. I think that if there is truly an "INFJ doorslam" (as opposed to some other behavior that could be misnamed as such) - I think such a move comes from giving someone(s) many many chances, not backing away at first even if we are hurt, and if things don't change, getting - finally - to a point where we can't bear it anymore. INFJs can become unforgiving of those who have mistreated them and effectively erase whatever feelings or sentiments they may have once held for that person. For redditors identifying as or interested in INFJs (Ni-Fe-Ti-Se) as described by MBTI. They will shut this person out with ease, often done with a very clear and rational mind. They do not want to cut people from their lives, especially not someone they once cared deeply for. Eventually, they see no other option but to let go of the person that is harming them. When I get like this, I revert back into a shell and don't open up because I'm embarrassed, but that's what leads to my isolation and selfishness in the first place. It felt at the time less like I was actively choosing to shut them out of my life, and more like they had chosen to shut themselves out, even if that eventuality certainly hadn't occurred to them when they took action. There are a few basic reasons why the INFJ will shut someone out of their lives completely, but it all boils down to too much abusive behavior. Essentially, when an INFJ has been pushed too far by a person or group, they will abruptly and definitively cut off all ties to this person or group. They slam the door when they can no longer tolerate a person’s toxicity. Sometimes the door slam only happens in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they continue to remain in contact with the “door slam” person. * The version of me at 18 years old was such a toxic person. It takes a great deal for an INFJ to finally Door Slam someone, meaning that this action is often well-deserved. In true fashion I blame myself and fear my friends think I'm so sensitive they don't want to confront me or hurt my feelings. Others are too worried about hurting me that thy don't communicate truly. I told him I wouldn’t visit him anymore unless he stopped. The INFJ finds this entirely necessary and justifiable, since it is for someone that they care about. It's embarrassing and stupid. Sorry to be so negative. 1. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I my case It's as if I was letting her violate my boundaries over and over again, and because of anxious attachment issues, I let it happen until one day it was simply not ok any more. Being honest with the INFJ and trying not to hurt them, is all you truly need to do. INFJs are the typical “all or nothing” kind of people. it's hard for INFJs to make the decision to protect themselves sometimes. They often appear very collected and even cold when they are set on slamming the door on someone. by Personality Growth | Nov 7, 2015 | Uncategorized. Instead, we tend to want to understand where the other person is coming from, and tend to give people chance after chance after chance. INFJ door slam and regret. I just have to protect myself, and move on. INFJs don't really explain why they door slam do they? INFJ door slam: 1. I don't like losing respect for people who have mattered to me; I don't like finding that my respect had been misplaced. They have to shut off from this person, almost as if they are dead to them. Absolutely. The INFJ Door Slam is a common phrase used to describe a person with the INFJ personality type cutting someone out of their life, usually for good. Basically do not be the world’s biggest jerk, and you won’t suffer the consequences of the INFJ Door Slam. I only like to socialize when I'm "up" so others are more comfortable and don't make a fool of myself. Before the action of shutting someone out of their lives occurs, the INFJ goes through a very long stream of attempts to resolve the problems. INFJ is a personality type characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. That "didn't back away at first, kept giving in chance after chance after chance, and hit the line where we can't bear it anymore" - that, to me, is the state from which there can be a true "INFJ doorslam." So in relation to this situation specifically: A lot of this has nothing to do with being INFJ. This is when the INFJ completely closes the door on someone, shutting them out of their lives for good. Theres a lot of guilt and shame over all the social faux pas and foolish selfish ways I've behaved. They understand perfectly that people make mistakes, they will even be willing to help you resolve your issues. But, when they get offended, or when somebody questions their moral values, they cut the person entirely off their lives, what is notoriously known as the INFJ door slam. When they care about someone they devote much of their lives to making them happy. INFJs don’t slam the door in rage or in anger. Furthermore, such people are the source of conflicts and unnecessary drama. If this occurs there has likely been many warning signs beforehand. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. But try it on a third time and you’ll be on the end of the INFJ door slam. As an INFJ, I used a light door slam to get my dad to quit smoking. I type as an INTJ; however, my T is right against the F. I door slam. Thu, 04 Feb 2016 01:14:59 GMT. #14 Irish , … They take their connections to others very seriously, making it very hard for the INFJ to leave even a bad relationship behind. Here are quotes about door-slamming from some of the people I surveyed: “I don’t really get the whole “door s… But I have had trouble with forgiving too easily with the few people I feel close to, and it usually end in new getting hurt. If you are kind to the INFJ, they will see no reason to shut you out. As for the question at the start of the post: Each and every doorslam I have chosen has been done (and there have been four big ones in my life) after a very long time of trying to make things work somehow. The INFJ door slam is the way this personality type deals with toxic people. And it is to be differentiated with INFJ door slam where we cut the person out completely. If you don't mind me sharing a story..Perhaps it's the introversion, but I'm embarrassed to say I am self involved. Any advice is really appreciated. This often takes time after time of the INFJ being upset and emotional, trying to resolve the problem. Have I ever been saddened that a series of events happened that resulted in a doorslam? The INFJs are extremely loving, which also makes them very protective people. It’s him again. This is how it would look to a spectator. Unlike the door slam, ... With mindfulness, you won’t do or say things that you later regret. They will only cut someone out for continuous emotional abuse, or for abusing someone that they love. And we cut the connection. I'm not sure if it's our extraverted feeling but it seems we may wear our hearts on our sleeve or, at least for me, face hardship when it comes to establishing boundaries. This is a way that they can more obviously show the person what will occur if they do not change their ways. An INFJ can overcome a Door Slam, but it’s really difficult. I wait impatiently at the traffic signal, tapping my feet in anxiety. There’s no right way to cope. So if they are treated terribly for a long time, they … He didn’t. The INFJ often takes time to come to the decision that they must move on from a relationship. It seems like a fairly harsh action for such a warm and caring type. Eventually the INFJ becomes completely emotionally burnt out, causing them to move on from someone’s life. This may seem drastic, but it’s usually the result of months or years of someone hurting the INFJ and their trying to mend the relationship to the point they become drained and exhausted. You may be surprised to learn that only around 1% of people classify as an INFJ. It is important to remember just how giving the INFJ truly is, making sure to care for them the way that they deserve. This includes blocking phone numbers, unfollowing and blocking on all social media and email, and even moving to a different place, depending on the situation. It is simply a method of protection, since the person being door slammed has clearly taken advantage of the situation. Here are five things I learned from my first (and hopefully only!) If you don't mind me sharing a story..Perhaps it's the introversion, but I'm embarrassed to say I am self involved. The INFJ does not take the action of the Door Slam lightly. If a person harms someone that the INFJ loves, they will become very angry. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Regrets of the INFJ door slam... What do you think? To me, it has mainly been an outcome of very inconsequent, fakeish behaviour. What have your experiences been with the INFJ Door Slam? Both parties painted themselves into a corner in different ways, and this was the predictable outcome. My good friends would say I am considerate, but I think it's just selfishness and fear. The INFJ has made the decision to move on and to them it is already done. The phone lights up. susanchf. The INFJ door slam is a defense mechanism built into most (if not all) INFJs. I think it's hard for INFJs to make the decision to protect themselves sometimes. From what I've experienced and what I've heard from other INFJs, the combination of being perceiving-dominant (Ni) and Fe-aux means we often take external assessments into ourselves very deeply (Fe) and also due to Ni are inclined to seeing different (and sometimes opposing) angles of vision on the same situation (Ni). All personality types have their own ways of cutting people out of their lives. That "didn't back away at first, kept giving in chance after chance after chance, and hit the line where we can't bear it anymore" - that, to me, is the state from which there can be a true "INFJ doorslam." The INFJ door slam is not some abusive act of anger. They know what they have to do, and this often takes removing all emotions from their actions. She said hi on social media and I thought it could be time to try and rekindle the relationship, so I reached out and got her number. INFJs are deeply emotional individuals, although they may not show it constantly. An unfortunate common feature of having a victim mentality is the reluctance to acknowledge or move past this unhealthy mindset without an extraordinary event taking place to shake things up. This response is similar to slamming a door with the offending party on the other side. Take time to yourself like a boss INFJs rarely spend time tending to their own needs, often dedicating their lives to the needs of others. Yes that makes sense. I lost so many friends from being so toxic, then they got mad, so then I got mad that they got mad at me. You don't even know for sure if what your friend posted was directed towards you so don't stress over things that you are not even 100% sure of. I don't regret doorslams, because at some level I'm always conscious of the choice I'm making in how I prioritize my values and my relationships. The INFJ does not “Door Slam” someone lightly, this is something that takes a lot of time before the emotion builds up much too strong for them to continue. Once the INFJ has made the decision to shut someone out, they are very level-headed and rational. No regret, no remorse, not even a satisfaction or slight happiness from the slam. An INFJ door slam is when an INFJ abruptly cuts you out of their life. INFJs will often endure a lot before they are forced to “Door Slam” someone. First of all, if you don't know what an INFJ or "door slam" is, we'll get to that. Have I ever actually regretted a doorslam or felt that it was unjust respective to the situation? Press J to jump to the feed. I think it's usually is a long time coming, but we tend to not-register the creeping shift of how we experience them, and/or cycle between feeling it and trying to find a way to stay connected with them by seeking for what is appealing to us in them. I cancel my evening classes, leave immediately from work and rush to my car. So unless there's way way more to the story in the OP, I myself personally don't see the example described as a "true INFJ doorslam." When the INFJ finally comes to the realization that they must move on, this looks nothing like the previously emotional state they were probably in. They take their commitments very seriously, wanting to build strong and lifelong connections. Healing is a process that can’t be rushed, whether it’s physical or emotional. This habit comes from their cognitive stack. That's it." Thank you. Here’s Why Being In An INFJs Inner Circle Makes You Truly Blessed, The Struggles of Being An Outgoing Introvert, Here’s Why You Should Fall In Love With an Introvert, How Each Personality Type Processes Emotions, The Way That Each Personality Type Reacts To Change, The Ways in Which Each Personality Type Handles Grief, The Different Levels of Stress for Each Personality Type, The Things That Drain Each Personality Type Most, Entire List Of Personality Growth Articles, Designed by Elegant Themes | Powered by WordPress, Entire List of Personality Growth Articles, Are You Good at Creating Distractions, Based on Your Personality Type, Here’s How Your Inferior Function Presents Itself, Based on Your Personality Type, What Kind of Roommate You Are, According to Your Personality Type, Are You Good at Reevaluating, Based on Your Personality Type, Here’s What Kind of Morning Person You Are, Based on Your Personality Type, Enneagram Type 5 Strengths, Talents and Skills: How Enneagram Type Five Excels, Enneagram Type 4 Strengths, Talents and Skills: How Enneagram Type Four Excels, Enneagram Type 3 Strengths, Talents and Skills: How Enneagram Type Three Excels, Enneagram Type 2 Strengths, Talents and Skills: How Enneagram Type Two Excels, Enneagram Type 1 Strengths, Talents and Skills: How Enneagram Type One Excels, ENTP Loneliness: What Makes the ENTP Lonely, ENFP Strengths, Talents, and Skills: How ENFPs Excel, ISTP Flirting & Dating: How to Attract an ISTP, Here’s How Important Balance is to You, Based on Your Personality Type, ISFJ Primary Function: Understanding the ISFJs Introverted Sensing (Si), How To Tell If Each Myers Briggs (MBTI) Type Likes You, Here’s How Prone to Crying Each Personality Type Actually Is, INFP ADHD & ADD: How INFPs Can Improve Their Attention Span, ESTP Strengths, Talents and Skills: How ESTPs Excel, Are You an Enabler of Bad Behavior, According to Your Personality Type, ENFJ and ESTP – Compatibility, Relationships, and Friendships, ESTP Feelings & Emotions: How the ESTP Handles Inner Feelings, Here’s How Much of a Troublemaker You Are, According to Your Personality Type, That 70’s Show- Myers Briggs (MBTI) Types. Why and how does it happen and, most importantly, how to avoid being door-slammed? I don't mean to make assumptions, but you sound like you have healthy self esteem and belief in yourself. It takes much less for the INFJ to Door Slam an individual who harms their loved ones. The door-slam is an INFJ cutting someone out of their life completely, often without any discussion or warning. If the INFJ is still emotional or upset, than there is hope to resolve the relationship. Not sure how many other INFJs think this way, but sometimes I think of myself as so good and innocent and nice that the traditional rules of social behavior don't apply, that I don't need to be assertive and communicate because everyone just thinks I'm the quiet sensitive girl who has nothing to add or say. Throughout, though, the only actions I 'regretted' were the actions taken by that person, which led to a doorslam being pretty much inevitable. I love my wife so very much. The INFJ simply feels that they must “take out the trash” or else this person will continue to hurt them or the people that they love. We only cut people off when they are causing us too much pain. The psychology behind door slamming is ghosting people and removing them from your daily life without saying anything. It is an act of self-preservation, and once those emotional ties are severed, it is almost impossible to re-attach them. It sounds like the other person precipitated the door slam, and you did what was right for you. The INFJ door slam is the INFJ cutting you completely out of their life. An INFJ door slam may be activated if the other person repeatedly engages in abusive behavior at a physical, emotional, and verbal level. I think it's hard for INFJs to make the decision to protect themselves sometimes. I see it asa cutting off of contact due to hurt, sure - but any type might do that. Many people might read this without having a clue what an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.”However, INFJs, and those who have been involved in relationships with them, will understand exactly what it is. Terrible. They do not shut the door on you in anger and peek out the curtains to see if you’re upset by the slamming door. It's my own demons and insecurities, thinking no one actually likes me and suffering from low self esteem. No one deserves to be treated poorly on a constant abusive basis, the INFJ is simply doing what they must to … using others to be able to keep up appearance. No one deserves to be treated poorly on a constant abusive basis, the INFJ is simply doing what they must to move on with their lives. This is no longer the mourning period, the INFJ has completely come to terms with what has happened. When someone I've opened up to (a rare thing, indeed) betrays that trust in a big way, my brain just goes, "nope. Just an anger towards that person for wasting the piece of yourself you gave them. It just takes time to work past a sense of fatalism and determinism about how the doorslams have happened. An INFJ who has been a victim of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of a narcissist may display a victim mentality. Do you regret doing it? INFJs are extremely caring individuals, but everyone has their limits. The other two were abusive toxic individuals. They frequently overstep their boundaries and are always complaining about their life to INFJ. If your INFJ is angry or crying, things can be repaired. Especially when I feel emotionally manipulated or misled. Typically, these people have a very different inner vs outer character and some conflicts between them that they are unable to deal with, e.g. They may consider being friends with this person, but they will likely never regain the closeness that they had before. I'm answering questions every week in our INFX Facebook group. Hope that you find the answer and do what's right for you, whatever that may be. Thanks for sharing your stories too. If you want to discover your personality type, you should take a Myers Briggs test. The door slam is when an INFJ suddenly cuts off all contact with someone. If they’re coolly friendly and ambivalent…you may have a door slam problem. I'm curious how many have actually experienced the true INFJ door slam, and come to later regret it and what your experience was like? I recently moved and live closer to her. INTJs are justice-seekers, and they would do anything in their power to settle any issues in … The INFJ often feels that if they do not remove this person completely, they will be too upset to actually let go of them. I'm curious how many have actually experienced the true INFJ door slam, and come to later regret it and what your experience was like? It’s also pretty final. I know that the reality of the matter is absolutely that it was my own choice to cease interaction, and that ultimately my choice was to prioritize my values over my relationship with this person, just like they prioritized their values over being trustworthy to me. They will most likely be emotional and put their best effort into fixing the issue. The Door Slam isn’t as entirely permanent as it may seem. I regret doing it even today. Some line is crossed and "suddenly" (though not really suddenly, it just feels that way) the person who used to feel appealing to us feels somewhere between negative-neutral to repulsive to us. In addition, a minor depression has been part of my life for, well, as long as I can remember. Haha yes. Then I behave selfishly. It's almost involuntary, the sudden switch I feel at those times. I'm very close to door slamming a former lover, someone who meant the world to me and I still care about deeply. Another reason why the INFJ will Door Slam someone, is much easier for them to come to terms with. I think that if there is truly an "INFJ doorslam" (as opposed to some other behavior that could be misnamed as such) - I think such a move comes from giving someone(s) many many chances, not backing away at first even if we are hurt, and if things don't change, getting - finally - to a point where we can't bear it anymore. I don't associate this kind of move with the "INFJ doorslam" as a useful descriptive concept. I have done the door slam three times, and looking back on these people, it was the classic INFJ response - I invested more emotional capital in these individuals than I should have done, and "let them in" to a degree that I would later regret. Simply avoid being shut out by an INFJ, by being a reasonable human being. INTPs actually ranked as the type most likely to door-slam, but even that was by a very small margin. Then I saw a posting on social media by her, which is paraphrased: "Don't let people back into your life who only want to hang out when it's convenient for them.". Internally, the experience feels like a switch in how we perceive and experience the person. I've always felt like an outcast and think female friends I hang out with would never truly "miss" me. What I Learned From My First INFJ Door Slam. They are very protective over the people that they care for, making them capable of becoming almost dangerous towards someone who harms them. It’s like, moving houses silently without letting others know. When you’re struggling with a hurtful and/or decaying relationship it’s always hard to know how to handle things. The INFJ doesn’t do this lightly, and the process often hurts them very much. No one is perfect, everyone commits social faux pas every now and then. One doorslam in particular had me pretty torn up for quite awhile, because it involved somebody who, outside of the extreme circumstances which occurred, I would have thought had my respect and trust unconditionally. It is not an act of revenge. Eventually the INFJ realizes they can no longer deal with this sort of emotional abuse from someone that they love, so they must remove them from their lives. When they reach their breaking point sometimes the Door Slam is simply a necessary action for them to move on. It is simply a method of protection, since the person being door slammed has clearly taken advantage of the situation. They were intended to help me, but it felt like a betrayal; like she didn't know me and was talking behind my back. INFJs are believed to make up approximately one percent of the … So in my case, no I don't regret the doorslams I have done. But personally I have never regretted a door slam, in my opinion the past should stay in the past but thats just me. Jun 24, 2019 - Explore mmichelleg67's board "INFJ - The "Door Slam" Is Real" on Pinterest. Fast forward to now. We've been trying to make plans and she has seemed open to it. Hopefully we can bring some information about this “INFJ Door Slam” to better light. This often happens because they care very much about people, often allowing them to push them too far. You don’t need to act out your anger. They care very strongly about others and feel emotions on a powerful level. That is a great description of what a (perceived) INFJ door slam is like. It's a blow because it's true. I think that you're being too hard on yourself. It may seem like a harsh tactic, and it is, but from the INFJ’s point of view, they had no … Not at all. If down the road (a long long way down the road) the person who was shut out appears to be changing their lives and making better choices, the INFJ may consider giving them another chance. The INFJ considers the loss of a relationship much like a death, and they have already spent time mourning this loss. Thank you for the thoughtful response. I think it's probably because we often overestimate our ability to handle emotions we read. A lot of this has nothing to do with being INFJ. INFJs slam the door when they have been deeply wounded. That seems like it would be more conducive toward an appropriate door slam. Sooner or later, their neighbors only find out after it’s actually happened. It might be a close friend, partner, coworker, or family member. I remember our other conversation and an wishing you the best however you decide to proceed. I'm an INTP and I once "door slammed" a family member but not before I took the time to very accurately explain to them how uncaring they were, how badly they'd messed up, and why they didn't deserve a chance. Yes I agree. The INFJ simply feels that they must “take out the trash” or else this person will continue to hurt them or the people that they love. Several years ago I "door slammed" a friend (young and immature) because I was hurt by some things she said while drunk. “Can we meet?” Of course I can. I think such a move comes from giving someone(s) many many chances. Just curious, cause I had an INFJ friend a while back and whenever they were upset at me they'd just recede into the void of nonexistence o.o. Sometimes it is best for the INFJ to take space from someone before they actually slam the door on them. INFJs are forgiving and loving individuals, who devote a lot of themselves to caring for others. It will also help the INFJ gain space before they become too bitter to keep the person in their lives. Turns out INFJs are no more likely to door-slam than ENTJs or ISFPs. Usually, the person who hurt us has to make a lot of effort for us to even consider that. Out of all the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, the INFJ is the rarest , making up only 1 to 2 percent of the U.S. population. They will definitely be more cautious, building walls to prevent this person from hurting them again. Great response, this is very much how I feel about door slams as well. Two of them still make me sad for the loss, but I still know I couldnt' have sustained those connections and been well at any sort of basic level. I think that every personality type has it;s own door slam, but I consider our own unique, because of the fact that we are so loving and caring , but when someone repeatedly hurts us, an INFJ shows a coldness that is rarely seen with any other personality type. Once the Door Slam has happened there is no going back. I know I did everything I could on my end to make it work, probably stayed in the connections longer than I should have anyway, and even the two deep losses I still grieve were what needed to happen. I surveyed over 20,000 individuals on my email list and asked them if they “door-slammed” and, if so, what it meant to them. I was about six years old and had just heard that smoking kills. It sucks I may have hurt my friend, and think of myself too much and don't open my heart because I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I disregard other people. They want to believe in people, but even the strongest individuals can only take so much pain. I haven't gone through with it yet because I do worry that I will regret it.